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When early stage dating begins to progress into something more, things can begin to feel different for someone with anxious attachment. A change in pace may begin to carry considerable weight. Perhaps a message takes slightly longer than usual to arrive. A response could be shorter than yesterday’s. The warmth feels a degree cooler. And suddenly you may be reading, interpreting, building a case around what this could mean. The relational context matters Before going any furth

I've noticed a lot of literature online about avoidant attachment recently, mostly written from the outside, from the perspective of the person left hurt and confused by a sudden withdrawal from a partner who seemed warm and then became unreachable. The term itself has become almost a slur - shorthand for someone emotionally unavailable, incapable of love, not worth the effort. Whilst that can be an extremely painful and disorienting experience, this article attempts to look

When a relationship ends, the ending is rarely the end of it. The conversation may be over and the decision made, but something keeps going. Many people find their thoughts turning to the other person as soon as they wake. The phone gets checked almost automatically. Old conversations get replayed, searching for the moment things might have gone differently. For people with an anxious attachment style, this can feel overwhelming. It isn't weakness, and it isn't a case of lovi

Arriving at this crossroads generally suggests there is a relationship in your life which is a persistent source of suffering. A limit being reached or exceeded. A sense of hopelessness. The same issues recurring without resolution. Getting to this point is rarely straightforward. For most people it has involved years — of hoping things would be different, of conversations that didn't land, of extending patience that was rarely reciprocated, of returning to the same place aga

The experience of being unable to stop thinking about someone - long after a relationship has ended, or when one never quite fully formed - is one of the most privately distressing experiences people bring to therapy. It doesn't always make sense from the outside. And it rarely makes sense to the person experiencing it either. They know, on some level, that the fixation isn't helping. And yet it persists - relentless, repetitive, consuming. When the relationship never quite f

There is a particular frustration that comes up time and again in my work. Someone arrives with extraordinary self-awareness - a thorough understanding of their past, their patterns, their behaviours. Beautifully articulated. Psychologically literate. And then, almost without fail, the same sentence: "I know why I'm like this but I can't seem to change." There is often a substantial gap between who someone aspires to be - the behaviours and qualities they value, the person th

Uttering the words "I'm sorry" can seem like such an obvious route to resolution and prevention of further harm - and yet they are so frequently absent in relationships where they are most needed. When I consider the psychology underneath, things begin to make more sense. I remember the first time I witnessed someone significant to me - in a professional context - proactively reach out to another person and say "I'm so sorry you had this experience, it's completely our fault,

When you're expected to be who your family wants you to be Some family expectations are subtle. A sense that certain parts of you are better kept out of the room. That your ambitions, your choices, your way of living sit uncomfortably with the people you love most. A family who needs you not to change Not all families consciously resist their members' growth. Most would say they want the best for you. But wanting the best for someone and being able to tolerate who they become

There is a particular kind of pressure that comes from knowing, from a very young age, what is expected of you. Not just what to do - but who to be. How to present, what to achieve, which version of yourself is acceptable and which is not. Individualist and collectivist cultures - a different blueprint for the Self Not all families organise the self in the same way. In individualist cultures - the UK, the US, much of Western Europe - identity is largely defined independently.

I have encountered countless instances of people staying in relationships and withstanding profoundly unhealthy dynamics - for years, sometimes decades. As human beings we can be remarkably adaptive and resilient. Both to our benefit and, at times, to our detriment. This article isn't about telling you what to do, but rather helping you understand why leaving might feel so hard - because that understanding is often the first step towards finding your own answer. When the rela

I found out mid-air, between time zones. Mindlessly flicking through social media posts, I see a familiar face and then the caption - someone I had once loved was gone. I felt my heart sink and gasped for breath. Not knowing what to do with what I'd just discovered at 35,000 feet, no one to tell. I knew he was terminally ill and I had done the hardest part of the grieving months earlier. This time I expected it - and yet loss can still catch you off guard and land with a thud

Control can take many forms. At its most visible it is overt - demands, rigidity, an insistence that things go a certain way regardless of the impact on others. At its quieter end it can look like a refusal to compromise, an inability to yield to another person's preferences, a subtle but persistent expectation that the terms of a relationship are set by one person alone. For the person on the receiving end, the experience is recognisable even when it is hard to name. A low-l

In all my years of getting to know people - personally, professionally, clinically - at some point, mum and dad enter the conversation. I have met people who feel safe and comforted by their parents, people whose parents took them on when their biological parents didn't, people who have ceased communication with their parents entirely, people who've lost them, people who've been physically and emotionally abused by them, those who are able to forgive, those who still chase an

I frequently hear how much of a minefield dating can feel for people who are hoping to find a partner - particularly when they’re left wondering, “why haven’t they replied?”, or why communication suddenly becomes inconsistent. One pattern that comes up again and again is being on the receiving end of intermittent or inconsistent contact - something that doesn’t meet your needs, yet feels consuming and surprisingly difficult to walk away from. Why inconsistency feels so engagi

Avoidance of feeling isn’t always obvious. It can look like thinking things through carefully, staying composed, or keeping things together. It might show up as analysing an experience in detail , focusing on what’s happening around you rather than what’s happening within you, or trying to manage how things unfold so you don’t feel unsettled. At times, this can take the form of intellectualising, numbing, suppressing, or trying to stay in control. It might also show up as dis

Something I hear time and time again is how difficult it can feel to say what we really think or feel - a fear of confrontation, or a struggle to express feelings that can feel hard to explain. Often, this leads into an exploration of what it meant to speak up in the past: a father’s explosive anger, a sibling’s unpredictability, a mother’s punishing silence, a school friend’s ridicule. Over time, these experiences can create a kind of conditioning. For a child, repeatedly be

I often hear of the onset of feelings of envy within a friendship or significant relationship. It sometimes starts with a milestone, a significant achievement one person has accomplished, and the comparison begins - the measuring up, the idealising, the inferiority, the anger, the envy, and then the guilt and the shame. It can be difficult to acknowledge, but it's more common than people tend to admit. Envy occurs when we want something someone else has - a friend’s success,

A theme I notice frequently in my work, and one that often sits at the root of dissatisfaction in relationships, is imbalance. One person may find themselves doing most of the emotional repair, becoming cautious about raising concerns, carrying the emotional weight of both partners and gradually adapting to the terms of the relationship set by the other person. Where the power lies in these dynamics is not always obvious. It can appear through emotional withdrawal, avoiding d

Something I frequently hear about is a concern over how we come across in relationships. A conversation ends, but doesn’t really end. It continues internally - replayed, examined and repeatedly revisted. You might find yourself going over what you said, wondering if you sounded awkward, too much, too distant. Re-reading a message several times looking for a tone that isn't there. Noticing one small moment — a shorter reply than usual, a delay, a different quality of warmth —

People often ask me how therapy actually works - what happens in the room, what creates change, why it takes the time it does. The honest answer is that it depends less on the approach and more on the relationship. What follows are the books that have most shaped how I understand that - not as a reading list, but as the thinking that sits behind how I work. The Gift of Therapy - Irvin Yalom Yalom describes therapy as a meeting between two people rather than the application of