Envy in friendships: Can love and resentment co-exist?

I often hear of the onset of feelings of envy within a friendship or significant relationship. It sometimes starts with a milestone, a significant achievement one person has accomplished, and the comparison begins - the measuring up, the idealising, the inferiority, the anger, the envy, and then the guilt and the shame. It can be difficult to acknowledge, but it's more common than people tend to admit.

Envy occurs when we want something someone else has - a friend’s success, popularity, or traits - but in relationships it rarely stays that simple. It becomes about position: Where they are. Where you are. What that difference means. 

You might find yourself unable to share their joy. Avoiding the topic, or even avoiding them entirely.

I’ve written in the past about the role of social media in comparison. Individuals presenting carefully curated, perfected versions of their lives - only the highs, never the lows, the tears, the failures, the setbacks. Multiple takes to find the right angle, then a filter, tweaking features, lighting, body shape. It creates something that cannot be lived up to, but is often compared against anyway.

Women, in particular, continue to be subjected to evolving standards of what it means to be “enough”. What was once centred around becoming a mother, a wife, a homemaker has expanded - now expected to be accomplished, self-sufficient, attractive, successful, disciplined, and constantly improving. There will always be societal pressure. But when a person’s sense of self is so easily moved by what everyone else is doing, it often points to something deeper - one’s relationship with their Self.

In infancy and within family systems where a child is not supported to develop a sense of who they are - where difference is not tolerated, or where individuation is experienced as threatening to siblings and caregivers - a stable sense of self may not fully form. As an adult, this can leave someone more dependent on external reference points to understand themselves. So another person’s success doesn’t just stay with them. It begins to say something about you.

And what of the envied person in a friendship? The one who is seen as capable. The one who achieves, who moves forward, who takes risks, who doesn’t stay where they started. The one others might describe as “driven”, “impressive”, “together”. This position can come at a cost. The subtle distancing. The lack of genuine celebration. The shift in how they are responded to. Sometimes it’s not overt. It’s felt. A hesitation. A change in tone. An absence of real support when it matters. There can be an unspoken expectation: Be successful, but not in a way that unsettles anyone else. Be impressive, but remain relatable. Don’t move too far ahead.

And yet, what is being envied is often only part of the picture. What looks like ease or confidence is frequently built on something else - discipline, risk, persistence, or having had to push against something much more difficult. Over time, this can shape how the individual relates to others. Holding back. Downplaying success. Becoming more self-contained. Or feeling increasingly alone in experiences that become pointless to share.

In therapy, envy is not something to dismiss or get rid of. It can be understood. Not as a green-eyed monster, but as something that has entered the room and is pointing to something significant. Often, it is less about the other person, and more about what their position brings up in you - what feels lacking, uncertain, or unresolved. When this is explored, relationships can shift. What once felt divisive or threatening does not have to organise the relationship in the same way. But unacknowledged envy tends to shape a relationship, whether it is spoken about or not.

If envy is affecting your friendships or relationships, you’re welcome to reach out to arrange an introductory call.

Written by Layla Eissa MBACP