Why some relationships feel one-sided

A theme I notice frequently in my work, and one that often sits at the root of dissatisfaction in relationships, is imbalance. One person may find themselves doing most of the emotional repair, becoming cautious about raising concerns, carrying the emotional weight of both partners and gradually adapting to the terms of the relationship set by the other person.

Where the power lies in these dynamics is not always obvious. It can appear through emotional withdrawal, avoiding difficult conversations, setting the pace of closeness, or deciding when issues can be discussed. This is not always conscious, deliberate or malicious. Early experiences of rupture and repair can influence a person’s capacity to manage relational tension, shaping how they respond to conflict, distance and emotional pressure in adult relationships.

At the same time, the other partner may have a limited tolerance for distance, silence, absence or uncertainty. This can influence how they respond when tension arises - stepping in, adapting, or taking responsibility for repairing the rupture. Over time a pattern can form and roles begin to take shape.

One partner becomes angry or withdraws, while the other moves in to repair. Both people may begin to feel stuck in roles neither of them consciously chose. The withdrawing partner may gradually learn that silence or distance removes the pressure to engage. The repairing partner regains proximity and temporary relief from the threat of distance, but this is often accompanied by growing resentment and a sustained sensitivity to uncertainty or absence.

Once these dynamics become established, they can be difficult to shift. Often both partners are responding to deeper attachment fears, even if those fears are not consciously recognised.

For some people, conflict carries the risk of distance or emotional withdrawal. If earlier experiences have taught them that closeness can disappear quickly, maintaining proximity may begin to take priority over maintaining balance. In these situations, stepping in to repair or smooth over tension can feel like the safest option, even when it comes at a personal cost. At the same time, the partner who withdraws or avoids confrontation may also be managing their own discomfort with emotional tension. Avoidance, silence or disengagement can become ways of regulating overwhelming feelings, particularly if earlier experiences did not support the development of healthy repair. Because both responses regulate discomfort in the short term, the pattern can remain stable even when neither partner feels satisfied with the dynamic.

One of the most significant shifts I see in this work is the development of a capacity to pause. To resist the pull to repair before the rupture has fully landed. To sit with the discomfort of distance or unresolved tension long enough to see whether the other person moves towards it.

For someone who has learned that proximity depends on their willingness to smooth things over, that pause can feel almost unbearable. But it creates information. It allows the question - can I be met halfway here? - to have an answer. And sometimes that answer changes what kind of relationship is possible. Sometimes it doesn't. But either way, the person learns something true about the dynamic they're in, rather than managing it indefinitely from the same position.

Relinquishing the repairing role doesn't guarantee the other person will step forward. But it does create the space in which that becomes possible. And it begins to shift something in the person doing it - a growing sense that they do not have to earn their place in every room they enter.

Therapy offers an opportunity to slow this pattern down and understand how it developed. As people begin to recognise the fears and expectations shaping their responses, it can become possible to experiment with different ways of responding to closeness, conflict and repair.

The therapy relationship itself can also offer a different experience of relating. A steady and consistent space allows moments of uncertainty, tension or misunderstanding to be noticed and thought about together rather than quickly repaired or avoided. Over time this can help people develop a greater tolerance for distance and emotional regulation, alongside a growing sense that connection does not have to be maintained through imbalance.

If you recognise some of these patterns in your own relationships, you can read more about how I work.

Written by Layla Eissa MBACP