The Psychology of No Contact: Attachment, Grief and Healing

Research suggests that in the UK, family estrangement is more common than many imagine. A 2014 survey by the charity ‘Stand Alone’ in partnership with Ipsos MORI reported that approximately 8% of British adults said they were personally estranged from at least one family member. Broader data from Stand Alone estimates that around one in five UK families will be “touched by estrangement” — meaning estrangement affects a considerable portion of the population at some point. 

These statistics likely capture only part of the reality as estrangement doesn’t always involve a clean break. It can take many forms: complete “no contact,” sporadic or limited interaction, such as birthday and Christmas cards, or social media following, emotional distance even when physical proximity remains, or relationships characterised by ambivalence and unpredictable, intermittent contact. Because of the varying circumstances and because many people avoid using the label “estranged,” whether out of shame, fear of judgement, or uncertainty -  the true scale of estrangement is almost certainly under-reported. Paradoxically, estrangement affects a significant portion of the population, yet remains largely invisible.

Unprocessed Grief

One of the most disorienting parts of estrangement is the grief it carries. Without a clear ending or recognised loss, it leaves individuals in a kind of suspended state of limbo, where the pain isn’t just about losing a relationship, but also the idea of the relationship one hoped for, tried to have or needed. Because the person is still alive, the grief doesn’t resolve in a linear way. There is no collective script or ritual for how to mourn someone you may still bump into, hear about, or see posting online. Instead, this grief tends to cycle. It can settle for a while, then resurface sharply with the arrival of anniversaries, birthdays, family events, or moments of transition.

For some, Christmas is one of the most powerful of these triggers. Family gatherings, festivities and exchanges of gifts are stark reminders of a fractured familial relationship. Advertising, social plans, and casual conversation all assume intact families. Even someone who feels at peace with their boundaries can find themselves revisiting layers of sadness, anger, or longing each year when December approaches. This is the nature of grief when the relationship is not truly “gone.”

Estrangement as an Ambiguous Loss

One of the most powerful frameworks for understanding estrangement comes from Pauline Boss, a family-therapist and researcher who first developed the concept of Ambiguous Loss in the 1970s. Ambiguous loss describes a kind of loss without closure, where someone may be physically present but emotionally or psychologically unavailable, or where their absence isn’t marked by death or a definitive ending. 

In cases of estrangement, this framework becomes especially relevant: the family member remains alive, but the connection is fractured, unpredictable, or has effectively disappeared. That suspended state means the usual rituals of grief never happen - no funeral, burial, cremation or socially recognised form of mourning. As a result, the grief often remains unacknowledged, and unresolved. This helps explain why many estranged people struggle with feeling permitted to grieve, or even to articulate what they’ve lost. Without a recognised “ending,” and with the stigma attached to estrangement, the loss can feel invisible to others and to oneself.

How Relational Therapy can help

Relational therapy can be especially reparative for those with fractured family relationships. It focuses not just on the events of someone’s past, but on the emotional patterns shaped by those early relationships. Relational therapy works from the idea that healing happens in relationship. It offers a space where a person can experience qualities that may have been missing or inconsistent in their family of origin. The therapeutic relationship becomes a kind of corrective emotional experience: where needs are acknowledged rather than dismissed, boundaries are respected, and one’s emotional world is taken seriously rather than minimised. Over time, this can have a profound impact.

Relational Therapy also helps people integrate their experiences. Estrangement often creates a kind of fragmented story - parts of the past may feel confusing, shameful, or contradictory. Relational therapy helps weave those pieces together, making sense of how early patterns shaped later decisions, why protective strategies developed, and how grief, anger, relief, and longing can co-exist without cancelling one another out.

Through this kind of work, many find themselves able to hold their story with more clarity, less shame and less self-blame. They may come to understand the origins of their pain and the logic of their boundaries. In that understanding, the relationship can be mourned, the self that adapted to survive can be honoured, and a new way of relating to oneself and to others can begin to take shape.

Written by Layla Eissa MBACP

References

Stand Alone, 2014. The prevalence of family estrangement. Ipsos MORI / Stand Alone. Available at: https://www.standalone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/StandAlonePrevalenceRESEARCH3.pdf (Accessed: 2 December 2025). 

Stand Alone & Ipsos MORI, 2014. Family estrangement survey for Stand Alone. Ipsos. Available at: https://www.ipsos.com/en-uk/family-estrangement-survey-stand-alone (Accessed: 2 December 2025). 

Counselling-Directory, 2024. ‘Understanding family estrangement’. Available at: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/understanding-family-estrangement (Accessed: 2 December 2025). 

Gilbert, H., 2019. ‘Family estrangement – how can counselling and support groups help’. Counselling Directory. Available at: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/articles/family-estrangement-how-can-counselling-and-support-groups-help (Accessed: 2 December 2025).  

Boss, P. (1999) Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.